


Last (Selfish) Phone Call on Death Row

by bioticfox (ayambik)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, ME3, me3 endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 01:56:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8558704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayambik/pseuds/bioticfox
Summary: John had to make a decision. He had to say goodbye.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Azzy_Darling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/gifts).



> For Azzy, as a thank you for organising the ficswap, and just generally being awesome. I hope it's sad enough for you. I tried ^^;;
> 
> Beta by bardofheartdive. Thank you so much for the help.

He had to choose. The hardest decision any one man had ever had to face, and Shepard had to choose. Just one more burden he had to carry. Or maybe it was the same old weight, culminating in this one choice. Shepard just didn't know anymore. He could feel it, this heaviness, just as plainly as any physical force, and he was alone now. The one person who had helped him shoulder the fate of the galaxy before _wasn't here_. John had sent Kaidan, injured but alive, back to the Normandy before running through the beam. Good. He was glad of that. What would've been the point in any of this if Kaidan hadn't made it through to the end?   
  
The future of billions upon billions of souls hung in the balance. The world around John spun, the metallic scent of his blood mingling with the throbbing in his head, as he fought the reflex to empty his stomach on the floor. All the possibilities and the could-have-beens filtered through his brain one after each other like a slideshow. All the time he’d lost with Kaidan, the hesitation and the anger they’d felt. He wished more than anything they could’ve built a future together; this was the end of the road for them.   
  
Kaidan had tried to say goodbye, but John hadn’t let him. Instead, they’d agreed to fight like hell to get back to each other again. And he had. He had lived up to that promise. But he couldn’t fight anymore.   
  
Maybe, though...maybe he could be selfish. Maybe he could ask Kaidan to help him carry this weight one last time, ask Kaidan to help him make this decision. And he could say his goodbye. He just had to be selfish, and it was selfish, no doubt about it. This wasn’t something that should be placed on anyone else, but he was just so damn tired, the blood steadily dripping down his face taking his will to resist along with it.   
  
He brought up his omni-tool, muscle memory making the call more than any conscious thought. It connected him through.   
  
“John? John, are you there? Talk to me Shepard!”   
  
Just hearing him made things so much easier, made breathing easier, and the pain faded into the background. If only for a moment, Kaidan was everything.   
  
“Kaidan…”   
  
“John! Damn it- John, where are you? Are you safe? What’s happening?” Kaidan was all but shouting on the other side of the line, most likely on the other side of Earth’s airspace. Barely any distance at all really. More than they were used to, but John wanted him as far away from this place as possible.   
  
“I’m here, Kaidan. I’m on the Citadel, the Crucible. It’s….not what we thought. There’s…a choice…” God, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t ask this of Kaidan. John would activate the Crucible, and he would die. Kaidan…Kaidan would have to live with it. John couldn’t put that on him, “I don’t know how to choose Kaidan, I don’t-”   
  
“John, listen to me. Whatever it is, you’re a good man, and you will make the right choice. You always do. I believe in you. I trust you. You’ll do what needs to be done, and I’ll be here waiting for you. We’ll get through the rest together. So just make sure you come home safe.”   
  
John’s breath rattled out of him, in the best approximation of a laugh that he could manage at that point. It was painful and sharp, but he didn’t want his last moments to be tainted. He didn’t want Kaidan waiting when he wouldn’t be coming back this time. He knew what he had to do.   
  
“I love you Kaidan. I will always love you and I would do anything you asked me to, but I can’t do that. There’s no way back from this for me-”   
  
“John, just-”   
  
“Please! Please just listen, Kaidan. I love you and I want you to promise to keep going. There’s no point to any of this if you don’t.”   
  
“John, whatever it is, we’ll find another way. We will.”   
  
His voice was breaking and John couldn’t take that. He didn’t want the last thing he heard to be Kaidan’s tears.   
  
“Kaidan. I’m sorry. I am. I love you. I should go.”


End file.
